Pisces Moon Studio

Why don’t we manage to get things done? We make plans and set goals and then things happen and another year has gone by and we haven’t accomplished anything we set out to do.

(Raises hand. GUILTY.)

Part of it is, of course, that “life is what happens while you are making other plans.” Your energy gets poleaxed by a lengthy illness, you trip over a footstool in the middle of the night and break something important like your dominant hand. A family member needs extensive care. Not much we can do about these things.

But for me, at least, a lot of the “never getting important things done” has to do with the monsters. Those shadowy Critics who live in the dark and say things like “You can’t do this, so why try?” “Nobody will like it anyway.” “You don’t really have any talent, you know.” “Quit trying to make waves and just be happy with what your employers think you’re worth.”

I’ve spent a long, long time listening to the monsters. Years. There were times times I’ve been able to stuff my fingers in my ears and sing “Lalala can’t HEAR you!!!”, but there were a lot of monsters and only one of me and I can’t work very well with my fingers stuffed in my ears.

And sometimes the monsters sneak up on you. My web design business, which I didn’t start so much as fell into thanks to Art2Mail (thank you, Art2Mail!), has been rolling along merrily, growing a little every year. Things were good. Things were manageable. Things were happy and comfortable.

Then in June of this year, I fell off a cliff. (Metaphorically, I add hastily.)

Early in 2009 I “fired” a couple of clients. There were payment problems and a general mismatch of attitudes and goals, and in one case there was the possibility of outright fraud that I had no intention of being associated with in any way. I felt good about turning them loose, but it did cost me some income.

In May I started having problems with a third client. By the beginning of June she let me know coldly that my services were no longer required. Even worse, people quit calling for updates and new services.

OMG. It’s dead. No one will ever call you again and you’ll die broke and have to close the business and lose the house and the disgrace will be written all over your face and you’ll never be able to hold your head up in polite company again. Fail fail FAIL.

Hello, monsters.

This time, though, I didn’t curl up on the floor of the closet and let them walk over me. I decided to talk to them instead.

Me: Hello, monsters. Please note that I am holding up a calendar marked “June.” It’s summer. People go outside in the summer and do things, like swim and picnic and go for long walks and grow flowers and tomatoes. This is temporary. People don’t stay inside and do computery things in the summer.

Monster #1: You do.

Me: Well, that’s true. I do. But I do it because I like doing it and because in Alabama it’s freaking HOT outside in June.

Monster #2 (in gray business suit with coat off, sleeves rolled up, green eyeshade; carrying calculator, shaking long adding machine tape at me): The economy is in the toilet. No one is buying anything from anybody. Your clients sell things to other people. They can’t sell anything because no one has any money to buy. They’ll all go belly-up and you’ll be out of business too. It’s a fact. You can’t change it. You can’t get any new clients because no one has any money. Just accept it and die.

Me: That’s pretty harsh. Yeah, that last one was unhappy and wasn’t making any money, but it didn’t have too much to do with the economy. If you can’t decide what you are selling or how to ship it to the people who want to buy it, it’s kind of hard to make an online store successful.

Monster #2: You spent weeks agonizing about that one. Who was it who wasted all that energy on ways to make an impossible person happy and an impossible business work? Who was it who was so timid that she didn’t even pursue payment on that last invoice that Impossible Client told you to stuff because she wasn’t about to give you one more dime?

Me: It wasn’t exactly my fault she didn’t make a million dollars overnight. I bent over backwards to help her make the store a success. I didn’t even invoice her for a lot of the time I spent on her project.

Monster #1: Sucker.

Me: No, I’m not!

Monster #1: Are too. They walk all over you and you let them.

Monster #2: And what do you get out of it? You didn’t get paid! You lost another client! She’s going to go tell everybody how bad you are and no one will ever hire you again and you might as well quit right now. Just quit before they have another chance to hurt you!

Me (suddenly enlightened): Wait a minute. Wait. You monsters are trying to protect me? You’re telling me to quit so they won’t hurt me??

Monster #1: Quit now. Don’t hurt.

Monster #2: You need protection! You aren’t very good at looking after yourself, are you? What do you get out of this except stress and no sleep and no money?

Me: I help people. I have skills and talents that I use to help other people make money and show off their own skills and talents.

Monster #1: snort.

Me: Hey. I like helping people.

Monster #2: Then where are the people for you to help? Why aren’t they lined up outside the door?

Me (thinking): Probably because they don’t know about me.

Monster #3 (a ghostly outline materializing, floating in the air, a faint whisper): You haffffff to be invisssssssible.

Monster #2: Lie low. Don’t rock the boat.

Monster #1: growl.

Me: (thinking harder) You know, monsters, I’ve done that for a very long time. Let’s try it another way for a change and see what happens.

Monster #3: You’llllllll be sorrrrrrrrry.

Monster #2: They’ll point at you and laugh. They’ll grind up your bones and make bread from them. They’ll suck you dry and spit out the husk.

Monster #1: Quit. Now.

Me: I’ll make a deal with you. Let me try this for a while and let’s see what happens. Together. You have my permission to help keep me safe, and I promise to listen when you say something that I can act upon. Accountant monster, I should have listened when you started poking me about Impossible Client months ago. You were right.

Monster #2: (shocked) I was right? I mean — of course I was right. But you agree with that? You actually think I was right?

Me: Yes, you were right. And I thank you for trying to point it out to me. I didn’t listen because… hey, it was the monster talking. But I promise to listen when you are helping.

Monster #3: Invisssssssssible.

Me (suddenly and completely enlightened): Dear ghost, you know something? I know what you are trying to protect me from. There was a time when I had to be invisible. A time when I had to lie low because I had no power and no way to protect myself. (gently puts arms around the amorphous mist) Ghost, I’m not seven years old anymore. Those people are dead and they can’t hurt me any more. I’m grown up and I am myself and I wear an invisible crown of sovereignty now — see it?

Monster #1 (pointing): Crown!

Me: Yes!

Monster #3: Soverrrrrrrreignty.

Me: Yes! Monsters, the plan is this: I am going to take this down time to revamp my website. Take stock of the services I offer. Figure out who I can help, and how, and why. I am going to say “This is who I am, and this is what I do, and this is what my services are worth.” I’m going to quit hiding. I’ll go out and meet people. You’ll be my bodyguards, just as you always have been, but you’ll be behind me instead of in front. You’ll be ready to protect, but you won’t hold me back. Agreed?

Monster #1: Kick ass!

Me: When needed.

Monster #1: When needed.

Monster #2: Okay. But I might still point out if I see something screwy about to happen.

Me: That’s your job.

Monster #3 (worried, but willing to try): Agreeeeeeeeeeed.

And now it’s December.

I lost three clients this year. I’ve gained eleven. My website is redone and is still being improved. I’m on Facebook and Twitter and LinkedIn. The blog is back from the dead. A friend I hadn’t heard from in years called me a week or two ago and said “My God, what happened to you? You are everywhere!”

My accountant monster has been kept very busy setting up the systems to make sure I get paid and don’t give away too much without getting something back in return. My ghost monster sometimes still plucks at me with anxious fingers to pull me back into obscurity, but now I know why and can reassure it that I am safe out here in public. My bodyguard monster stands behind me at all times and is ready to protect if I need protection. It’s comforting to know I can unleash him, even though I’ve never needed to.

Thank you, monsters.

BIG thank you to Havi Brooks of The Fluent Self, who first taught me to speak to monsters instead of hiding from them. And to Kate, who pointed out the invisible crown.